Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

Flying Monkeys: How Narcissists Use Others Against You

By HealSage Editorial Team·April 16, 2026·6 min read

Key Takeaways

Flying monkeys are people the narcissist recruits — knowingly or unknowingly — to do their bidding, from gathering information to pressuring you to comply.
Anyone can become a flying monkey: friends, family members, coworkers, therapists, and even your own children.
Flying monkeys extend the narcissist's reach, making it harder to escape the abuse even after going no contact.
Setting boundaries with flying monkeys is essential and may require limiting or ending some relationships.

The term flying monkeys comes from "The Wizard of Oz," where the Wicked Witch dispatches her winged monkeys to do her dirty work. In the context of narcissistic abuse, flying monkeys are the people a narcissist enlists — deliberately or through manipulation — to carry out their agenda. They may spy on you, deliver messages, pressure you to reconcile, or participate in smear campaigns against you. Flying monkeys make the narcissist's influence feel inescapable, turning your social network into a surveillance system. Understanding who these people are, why they cooperate, and how to handle them is essential for protecting yourself during and after narcissistic abuse.

Why Do Narcissists Use Flying Monkeys?

Narcissists use flying monkeys because they multiply the narcissist's power without requiring the narcissist to do the work directly:

Maintaining control at a distance. When you go no contact, the narcissist loses direct access to you. Flying monkeys restore that access through back channels — a "concerned" friend who calls to check on you and reports back, or a family member who guilts you into re-engaging.

Conducting smear campaigns. Rather than attacking your reputation directly, the narcissist feeds their version of events to others and lets them spread it. This provides plausible deniability while ensuring the narrative reaches your social circle.

Gathering intelligence. Flying monkeys are the narcissist's eyes and ears. They report on your activities, emotional state, relationships, and plans — all of which the narcissist uses to strategize their next move.

Applying social pressure. A narcissist telling you to come back is one voice. But when multiple friends and family members tell you that you are overreacting, that you should give them another chance, that "every relationship has problems" — the pressure becomes overwhelming.

Creating isolation. If enough people in your network become flying monkeys, you feel surrounded and alone. This isolation pushes you back toward the narcissist as your only perceived source of support.

Who Becomes a Flying Monkey and Why?

Flying monkeys fall into several categories:

Type	Motivation	Awareness Level
The Deceived	Genuinely believes the narcissist's narrative	Unaware — thinks they are helping
The People Pleaser	Wants to avoid conflict and keep everyone happy	Partially aware — senses something is off but avoids confrontation
The Enabler	Has a codependent relationship with the narcissist	Somewhat aware — minimizes abuse to maintain their own relationship with the narcissist
The Ally	Shares narcissistic traits or benefits from the dynamic	Fully aware — participates willingly
The Coerced	Has been threatened or manipulated into cooperation	Aware but frightened — acts under duress

Most flying monkeys are not evil. Many genuinely believe they are helping or mediating. The narcissist is skilled at presenting a compelling version of events — one where they are the victim and you are the unreasonable, cruel, or unstable one. Without your side of the story (which you may be too exhausted or traumatized to share), the narcissist's narrative goes unchallenged.

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What Tactics Do Flying Monkeys Use?

Flying monkey behavior ranges from subtle to overt:

"Just checking in" calls that are actually intelligence-gathering missions. They report your emotional state, living situation, and social activities back to the narcissist.
Guilt-tripping. "Your mother is devastated. How can you do this to her?" "He is really trying. You should at least hear him out."
Minimizing the abuse. "Every couple fights." "She did not mean it like that." "You are being too sensitive."
Delivering the narcissist's messages. "He wanted me to tell you he is sorry." This is a hoovering attempt by proxy.
Gaslighting by consensus. "None of us think what happened was that bad. Maybe you need to look at your own behavior."
Social media monitoring. Watching your accounts and reporting your posts, check-ins, and new connections to the narcissist.
Threats or warnings. "If you do not drop the custody case, things are going to get really ugly for you."

How Do You Handle Flying Monkeys?

Dealing with flying monkeys requires a combination of boundary-setting and strategic assessment:

Identify them. Pay attention to who suddenly starts asking probing questions, delivering unsolicited opinions about your relationship, or pressuring you to contact the narcissist. These are your flying monkeys.

Assess their awareness. Are they genuinely deceived, or are they willing participants? This determines your approach. A deceived friend may respond to a calm, factual conversation. A willing ally of the narcissist probably will not.

Set clear boundaries. "I appreciate your concern, but I am not willing to discuss my relationship with [narcissist's name]. If you cannot respect that, I will need to limit our contact." Be prepared to follow through.

Control information flow. Do not share personal details, plans, or emotions with anyone who has connections to the narcissist. Assume anything you say will be reported back. This is not paranoia — it is practical self-protection.

Do not try to convince them. You will not win a narrative war against a narcissist. Flying monkeys who are deeply embedded in the narcissist's version of events are unlikely to be persuaded by your perspective — at least not right now. Save your energy.

Be willing to let some relationships go. This is painful but sometimes necessary. If a friend or family member consistently acts as the narcissist's agent despite your boundaries, maintaining that relationship costs more than it gives.

Document threats or harassment. If flying monkeys engage in threatening or stalking behavior, keep records. This documentation may be valuable for legal protection.

Frequently Asked Questions

Can my own children be turned into flying monkeys?

Yes, and this is one of the most heartbreaking forms of narcissistic manipulation. Narcissistic parents may use children to spy on the other parent, deliver manipulative messages, or create loyalty conflicts. This is a form of parental alienation and may require legal and therapeutic intervention.

What if my therapist has become a flying monkey?

This can happen, particularly if the narcissist has manipulated couples therapy or contacted your therapist independently. If you suspect your therapist has been influenced by the narcissist, consider switching to a new therapist — specifically one experienced in narcissistic abuse. A competent therapist will never relay information to a third party or pressure you to reconcile with an abuser.

How do I tell the difference between a concerned friend and a flying monkey?

A genuinely concerned friend respects your decisions even when they disagree. They listen more than they advise. They do not relay information to the narcissist or pressure you to act against your own judgment. A flying monkey pressures, guilt-trips, minimizes your experience, and maintains a communication bridge to the narcissist.

Will flying monkeys eventually stop?

In many cases, yes — particularly if you consistently maintain boundaries and limit the information available to them. Some flying monkeys eventually see through the narcissist's manipulation on their own, especially if the narcissist turns on them next. Others remain loyal indefinitely.

Should I confront the narcissist about using flying monkeys?

No. Confrontation provides supply and information. The narcissist will deny it, and the confrontation itself becomes material for the next smear campaign. Focus on managing your boundaries, not changing the narcissist's behavior.

Next Steps

Make a mental inventory of the people in your life. Consider whether any of them might be functioning as flying monkeys — even unintentionally. Begin tightening your information boundaries with anyone who has ties to the narcissist, and strengthen your connections with people who are firmly in your corner.

You deserve to heal on your terms. Download HealSage and take back control today.

Written by the HealSage Editorial Team — empowering survivors of narcissistic abuse with knowledge and support.

Published April 16, 2026

Our editorial team combines clinical research with survivor perspectives to create content that validates your experience and supports your healing journey.